Letters to Granny
by Anidori-Kiladra
Summary: AU. This series of letters detail the life of Sméagol after the events of Return of the King as he struggles with his multiple personalities and attempts to find happiness in Mount Doom by marrying an orc and opening a Bed and Breakfast.
1. The Beginning

**Summary:** AU. This series of letters detail the life of Sméagol after the events of _Return of the King _as he struggles with his multiple personalities (and his strange attraction to Frodo) and attempts to find happiness in Mount Doom by marrying an orc and opening a Bed and Breakfast.

**Disclaimer:** All rights to Lord of the Rings go to J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema. And the Very Secret Diaries belong to the amazing Cassandra Claire.

**A/N:** These letters were written in 2002-2003 by Eileen, Tenley, Sophie, Allie and me, mostly Eileen and me. Yeah, we had way too much time on our hands. You probably have to read Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries first in order for them to make sense. And while you're at it, you should read all her other stuff too, because she is absolutely phenomenal.

There are some Spanish phrases in this story. Their meaning should be pretty obvious within the context, but just for those dim among you:

casa: house

mi papa: my dad

sueter: sweater

bailar: to dance

me gusta: it pleases me, I like

para comer: to eat

pregunta: question

fuego: fire

magico: magic

**Letters to Granny**

Dear Granny,

We is very sorry that we hasn't written to you in over 250 years. You see, first we was mad at you for turning us out, then we spent 200 years squatting in darkness, jewelry fondling and talking about oursself in 3rd person/1st person plural. Then we was too sad to write because the nassssssssty Bagginses stole our precious. Then we spent 50 or so years being forced to watch Flipper and old reruns of something in Sauron's fortress (stupid Sauron), then we was busy escaping from elves and tracking down tricksy little hobbitses who now have our precious.

Guess what, Granny? Good Sméagol is now good(ish) again and is helping the nice master destroy the precious. NO, NO, PRECIOUS, WE MUST POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT BECAUSE THE SUSPISIOUS HOBBIT IS ALWAYS WATCHING! THEN WE THROTTLES THEM IN THEIR SLEEP! YES, PRECIOUS. But we likes the master; he takes care of us. NO, A BAGGINS STOLE IT AND A BAGGINS HAS IT NOW. WE HATES THE BAGGINSES! Not this Baggins. YES, ALL BAGGINSES.

Oh yummy, we has tracked the tricksy little hobbitses into Gondor and is now eating fish so juicy sweeeeeeeeeet! Nice fisssh, nice fissssh. Oh no, now master wants good Sméagol to leave. Told him we must finish fish, but he said precious would get angry and as we sweared on...on the precious!

We must go. We will write to you again from our new casa after we has bitten off nice masters finger (with which he strokes the precious lovingly), and while dancing around going "my precious, my precious, we finally has our precious" has fallen into mount doom, still yelling "my preeeeeeciouussss".

Love, Sméagol/Gollum/us!

P.S. Say hello to Deagol for us. (Oh wait, we had to kill him precious; he sssssstole our birthday present from us! Not listening.)

P.P.S. It has suddenly occurred to us that you probably died hundreds of years ago, unless of course you found another precious, in which case we will have to kill you. Unless you visit us in Mt. of Fuego and give it to us for our 278th birthday pressie.

xxx

Hello Sméagol,

Thissssss issssssssss your granny. How dare you say that we is dead. Of course we has a precious. (But don't tell Sauron or else he might set up a booby trap for us. Stupid Sauron).

And hhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. You can't come and steal the precious from us because you are all burned up. Fortunately no nasssssssty hobbitses have tried to get the precious from us yet. Thank you for warning us. Good Sméagol.

I have said hello to Deagol's rotting corpse for you. He says " ", because he's dead. You killed him; we knows. We knows you had to kill him, precious, he sssssstole your birthday present from you. Well, we has news for you, good Sméagol. Deagol covertly slipped the real precious to us before he died. (We is magico). And the one you had and were tracking los tricksy little hobbitses down for was a DECOY! So ha ha ha on you again.

Poor Sméagol, we will come visit you in your new casa soon, but we will come without the precious so you can't steal it from us. We will bring you fresh fish however. Yay!

Love from your,

Granny

P.S. It has suddenly occurred to us that you is probably melted by now. Perhaps we won't visit you in your new casa after all.

xxx

Dear Granny,

Guess what? We got some nice fissh. Except mi papa says that they're not for eating and they're just supposed to swim around in the tank. I said "What about their legs? They don't need them." He pointed out that fish don't have legs. Stupid papa. I think I will sneak into the Forbidden Fishtank tonight and eat them anyway. Nice fissh, precious. Don't want fish.

-Sméagol

P.S. We took one of those stupid internet questionnaires. Even though the internet doesn't exist yet. Here is the results:

Sméagol's Questionnaire

1. Do you love anyone?

THE PRECIOUS AND FISH

2.How much?

VERY MUCH

3.Who is the hottest person ever?

THE PRECIOUS

No, Sméagol, person.

NICE MASTER

4.Who are the 10 hottest people in school?

WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL

5.Who do you consider your best friend?

THE PRECIOUS

6.Do you belong to any groups, in or out of school?

PERVY HOBBIT FANCIERS ANNONYMOUS

7. Who is the most popular guy at school?

WE TOLD YOU, WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL

8.Who's the most popular girl at school?

WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL!

9. Who at school would make the cutest couple?

WE IS NOT EVEN DIGNIFYING THAT WITH AN ANSWER

10.What is your secret desire?

WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID OR SOMETHING? HAVEN'T YOU READ THE BOOKS? TO TRACK DOWN LOS TRICKSY LITTLE HOBBITSES AND GET BACK THE PRECIOUS!

No, no, Sméagol. I knew about that; that is not secret. What is your secret desire?

DON'T TELL ANYONE, BUT WE ONLY WISHES TO CATCH SOME FISHES.

No, Sméagol, I don't think you know the meaning of the word "secret". For the last time, what is your secret desire?

DARN IT, WE WAS HOPING WE WOULD GET AWAY WITH THE FISHES ONE. OKAY, OKAY, WE WISHES TO TAKE NICE MASTER OUT TO DINNER AND FOR PEOPLE TO STOP CALLING POOR SMEAGOL A "SNEAK".

Bye,

xxx

Dear Granny,

Hello, how is you doing? We is glad to hear you isn't dead. NO WE ISN'T! WE HATES GRANNY! No, we looooves Granny. She makes us nice cookies. Nice peanut butter cookies. YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO PEANUT BUTTER! Oh. Well, how is the weather at your house? Is very hot in Mount Doom. Pretty fire, though. And Lord Sméagol, no, Gollum the Great, the Gollum has fish three times a day, fresh from the fish tank. YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO SEAFOOD! Oh. That would explain the coughing and hacking after the Forbidden Pool scene. WE HATES THE MASTER! Nope. We loves nice master. Takes cruel rope off Sméagol. Anyway, Granny, we is thinking of starting a Bed and Breakfast here. Really good location for vacationing hobbitses, yes Precious. And they won't make us grub for roots and carrotses and- what's taters? YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO TATERS!

Well, goodbye, Granny.

Love,

NO! HATE!

No, we loves Granny,

HATE,

GOLLUM

xxx

Dear Sméagol,

I'm glad to see that you still have split personality disorder. Sméagol is supposed to be doing his honors essays, so bye. I'll write to you again tomorrow and send you some yummy peanut-butter-tater-whatever-elsse-you're-allergic-to cookies, because we hatessssssss the good Sméagol.

Love, Granny

xxx

Hello Granny!

Is still hot in Mount Doom, so will most unfortunately not be able to make use of sweater you sent (pink not our color anyway). WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! WE LOVES PINK! WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT PINK? Well we's allergic to wool anyway. Have just opened Bed and Breakfast. Is called Sméagol's B&B. NO! GOLLUM'S B&B! No, Sméagol's B&B. Leave now and never come back! We told him to go away, and away he went! Sméagol is FREE! Anyway, B&B not going too well. Was expecting a curly-haired, blue-eyed Hobbit who enjoys jewelry fondling, squatting in darkness and referring to self in third person to show up. Most unfortunately, no Hobbits are coming at all. What is poor Sméagol going to eat? We's allergic to everything else. (YOU'S ALLERGIC TO HOBBITS TOO!) And orcs don't taste so good.

Your "friend"

Free Sméagol

xxx

Hello, my darling Sméagol. NO WE HATES SMEAGOL!

We has a suggestion to make. How about you call your B&B Fresh Fish From The Ocean (or the fish tank) and you could serve fresh fish from the ocean (or the fish tank). Except that there is probably no fish tanks or oceans in Mount Doom.

We is so sorry you doesn't like the sweater we sent. (NO WE ISNT, WE KNEW YOU WAS ALLERGIC TO WOOL; THAT'S WHY WE SENT IT.) But we didn't send you a pink sueter; we sent you a purple one, and then shipped it to Rivendell's Quick Mail to Mount Doom Service. I was told it got sent directly to Elrond himself. I wonder what happened to it. Elrond wouldn't do anything to it. He is nice like fisssssh. (NO, WE HATES ELROND. HE TWISTS EVIL ROPES.) Well, we must be going now.

Love, Granny

xxx

Dear Granny,

How are you? Sméagol is doing very bad. Why do you cry Sméagol? (Sniff) Master tricked us. He sold film rights to Lord of the Rings. WE TOLD YOU HE WAS TRICKSY! No! YES! Stupid, cruel men copied poor Sméagol's Forbidden Pool song. LET'S GO POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT! Or... We could let HER do it. WHO'S HER, EH, PRECIOUS? Our lawyer! She sues the cruel men for copying our Forbidden Pool song! YAY!

Your friends,

Sméagol/Gollum who is going to POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT/sue New Line Cinemas for copyright infringement.

xxx

Dear Granny,

Hmmm... This is very mysterious. I also tried to send you something purple through Rivendell. Perhaps Elrond stole it too. NO! IT'S BECAUSE GRANNY DOESN'T LIKE THE PURPLE LOINCLOTH THAT YOU SENT HER! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. NOBODY LIKES YOU! No. We knows Granny would ask Sméagol for a receipt so she could exchange it for a nice pink loincloth instead. She wouldn't trick poor Sméagol and pretend she never got it. YES SHE WOULD! SHE IS TRICKSY! No. Elrond stole it! NO HE DIDN'T! PURPLE DOESN'T MATCH HIS SKIN COMPLEXION!

HATE,

GOLLUM

P.S. Thank you for your B&B idea. It has helped us settle the dispute. We was going to have a boxing match to see what it would be called.

P.P.S. We thinks that having multiple personalities must run in the family.

xxx

Hi Sméagol,

How is you doing now? This is very mysterious indeed(y). We has received a lime green loincloth from you, but you says you sent a purple one? Hmmmmmmmm, well, we would have loved to have a purple one. NO WE WOULDN'T, WE HATES PURPLE. IT DOESN'T GO WITH OUR COMPLEXION OR ANY OF OUR PURSE AND SHOE COMBOS! Unfortunately neither does lime green. Oh, we tells a lie; there was that one lime green high heel and bag set we got from Deagol BEFORE YOU DID HIM IN (we is not allowed to write the word "kill" in our e-mails anymore because we has a tattle-tale little sister). Anyway, we is going to have to test Elrond. We must send him a purple chain mail thingy for you to bailar around in (well, we will send it to you through Rivendell Quick Service) and see what color you get. That should solve the mystery. NO, WE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ELROND AND SMEAGOL. WE HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SOLVE MYSTERIES, SUCH AS SQUATTING IN DARKNESS, JEWELRY FONDLING AND TALKING ABOUT OURSELVES IN THIRD PERSON/ FIRST PERSON PLUREL, not to mention us having to deal with having multiple personalities. By the way, how could you suggest that we would ask for a receipt; we is far too polite to do that. WHERE IS OUR RECIET FOR THE LIME GREEN LOIN CLOTH?

We is feeling very lonely. No elves pass by here anymore, except for this really annoying "fellow" who is constantly looking in a mirror and muttering about being the fairest of them all or complaining about nobody loving him except some girl named Sheila who is threatening to do things to his elfhood. "He" is always kissing the dead carcass of a dwarf with braids. (We had to kill him, precious stroking precious lovingly; he was getting on our nerves with the whole "Well, just wait till my cousin Balin comes, he'll kick your "gluteus maximus" aka nalgas. Oh yeah, he's dead, my bad. Well, my strong and extremely feminine elf friend will do it for me...") So one night we climbed through a window to rob a cradle. (We didn't know dwarves slept in cradles, did you, precious?) Anyway, maybe he was very young because he was quite tender. Me gusta los dwarfies ...para comer!

Bye Sméagol, we loves you!

HATES YOU!

Loves you!

HATES YOU!

Okay, let's compromise. We dislikes you sometimes. Glad to hear about your success with the B&B!

GrAnNy

xxx

Dear Granny,

Sméagol is getting married! No, not to the Hobbit; we is straight now. (YOU LIAR! YOU KNOW YOU STILL WANTS FRODO!). We is going to marry a beautiful brunette orc named "Shirley". Has great teeth and wonderful smile. Also has pretty imprint of white hand on face. Don't know why, but won't tell us its real name. We told it that this might affect our relationship and it said it didn't buy into that New Age crap. Told it to get out of Second Age. First date started out well. It said that we is way hotter than Dobby and we didn't look like any Russian Presidents. Asked what Russia was and it said never mind. Later, it got very upset when found out we was not referring to it when we says "Precious." Made us watch Flipper 300 times when we said that we called it "it." Now wants us to call it "she." Told it to get out of Second Age. We then got into argument when it wouldn't tell us what it gots in its pocketses. Worked out in end, though. We is inviting you to come to our Wedding on March third. The wedding is at 4:00 at Mount Doom Methodist Church, and the reception is at Fresh Fish From The Fish Tank Bed and Breakfast. Scrumptiously crunchable refreshments will be served. Please RSVP by February 25.

Love,

Sméagol/Gollum

xxx

Dear Granny,

Sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding. We will provide you with a transcript of the wedding. We used our first initials so that it won't take as long to write. S stands for Sméagol and S stands for "Shirley."

S: We is almost ready for the wedding. What is you laughing at?

S: You look really funny in a tux, Sméagol.

S: Yeah, well you're the first orc I've ever seen in a wedding gown.

S: Where's the ring bearer?

S: WHAT? What ring bearer? We can't let it touch the Precious, oh no! Sméagol is not pleased!

(Frodo comes in)

Frodo: I'm lost. I don't know where I was sailing to at the end of Book VI.

S: Nassssty Baggins!

Frodo: Oh hi, Sméagol. Can I have my finger back?

S: NO! Was stroking the Precious lovingly, it was.

S: Sméagol, this is our ring bearer.

S: WHAT!

(Wedding starts. "Shirley" lets Sméagol be the groom and the ring bearer in order to minimize the number of poked out eyeses. Frodo exits once he is told that he is going to Undying Lands because Aragorn DID get married.)

Priest: Sméagol/Gollum, do you take this orc to be your lawfully wedded wife?

S: Mustn't ask us. Not its business.

Priest: But you have to answer the question.

S: No we doesn't.

Priest: Just say "I do."

S: What's taters, eh Precious, what's taters?

Priest: What?

S: How about I'll say "I do" for him.

S: How about we strangles the nasty, nosy priest?

(Priest runs out of the room)

To be continued later as we is hungry and must go eat some fish so juicy sweeeeeeeet!

xxx

Hello Sméagol,

We was so glad to hear that your wedding went well. NO WE ISN'T. WE HATES SMEAGOL AND WANTS HIM TO BE UNHAPPY FOREVER! We has only 3 preguntas:

1) We thought the wedding was on March 3. It is only Feb.16. What happened?

2) How come you simply didn't "accidentally" push the ringbearer into Mount Doom? and 3) Is you kidding yourself? Of course you're not straight!

Send us the rest of the info about your wedding. However, how come you didn't strangle the nasty nossy priest? He has no right to go poking his nossssssssse in other people's business. We should bite it off. No news from Granny. We isssssss just living our very boring life. How come the rock and pool is nice and cool? Where is our receipt for loincloth? We is getting impatient over here Sméagol!

Love,

Granny (we wants a name.)

xxx

Dear Granny,

Answers to your questions:

1) We changed the date of the wedding so that you couldn't come because we hates you. No, we loves Granny. NO, WE HATES HER!

2) The ring bearer was already in Mount Doom so we couldn't push him in.

3) Sméagol's feelings is hurt. Of course we is straight (YOU LIAR).

OK, here is the rest of our wedding.

S: Now look what you did! You scared the priest away.

S: Nasssty nosy priest.

S: How are we going to get married now?

Frodo: I can marry you guys.

S: NO! Sméagol doesn't want to get married to master! Yes we does. No we doesn't.

S: He didn't mean like THAT, Sméagol. He's going to replace the priest that you scared away.

S: Oh, we gets to poke HIS eyeses out?

(Sméagol chases Frodo around church.)

Frodo (while running around): Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

S: MUSN'T ASK US! NOT ITS BUSINESS!

S: Just say "I do"!

S: NO!

S: Sméagol, do it for me.

S: Then can we poke its eyeses out?

Frodo: No!

S: All right.

S: We does.

Frodo: Do you, "Shirley," take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

S: I do.

Frodo: Now you give her the ring.

S: WHAT!

Frodo: You have to give her the ring.

S: Nobody tells poor Sméagol he has to give away precious!

S: It's part of the ceremony.

S: Can't touch precious!

Frodo: You need to give her a ring to get married.

S: Then we doesn't want to get married.

S: Then you got into that tux for nothing.

S: Doesn't care.

S: (starts crying)

S: What has it got in its pocketses?

Frodo: Oh, this? This is an Elven ring.

S: Where did the hobbit get it from, eh Precious?

Frodo: Gandalf gave it to me because he has an Elven ring at the end of Book VI.

S: We gives that ring to "Shirley"!

Frodo: No, you can't have this.

S: Nassty Baggins. We pokes its eyeses out if it doesn't give it to us.

(Frodo hands over ring and Sméagol gives it to "Shirley")

Frodo: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Runs out of church).

S: We can't kiss bride, though.

S: Why not?

S: Can't reach.

We plans to go on honeymoon to Undying Lands once we figures out how to get out of this stupid volcano thing. Sorry you couldn't make it to wedding (not really).

Love,

Sméagol


	2. The Middle

Dear Granny,

"Shirley" is pregnant! Baby is due on October 23rd. Be sure to come visit. NO, WE DOESN'T WANT GRANNY TO COME, WE HATES GRANNY! We is thinking of naming the baby Harrily Crunchable. What does you think? Sniff, sniff. But Shirley says she doesn't trust us around the baby; she says she is afraid we will eat it. Just because we is sitting in baby's cradle talking about crunchable things is no reason for her to be suspicious. Can we never overcome our cradle robbing past? OF COURSE NOT, YOU STILL LIKES YOUNGER HOBBITS! Not that kind of cradle robbing! Sorry Granny, we has to go, must get ready for our wrestling match.

Love/HATE,

Sméagol

xxx

Hello Sméagol,

We is still hurt that you didn't invite us to the wedding. Did you get our wedding present? It was the unidentifiable blob of sludge and slimy stuff. (It is the 3 week old remains of the dwarf we stabbed with our spectacles and part of an orc arm.) Also, we sent the pink teddy bear with the blue and white ribbon around its neck. It is for Harrily Crunchable. Have "Shirley" eat it, and then it will get to the baby before it is born. Please try not to eat the bear; the unidentifiable sludge is for you. We cannot believe Shirley doesn't trust you; perhaps you should divorce her. No, that would be bad, because then you won't have easy access to a cradle (and what won't be inside it any more). Hey, we has a great idea! You and Shirley can be like Sam and Rosie and have 13 kids (except that they will keep on mysteriously disappearing, especially when Granny comes to visit. Ha ha, you already told us when the baby is due so we will be there 2 weeks early!) Just do not name any of your kids Goldilocks. We's got to go Sméagol. We will be there on Oct. 23!

"Love"(aka hate) Granny (we is still very upset that we doesn't' have a name)

P.S. Exactly how much taller than you is "Shirley"?

xxx

Dear Granny,

You KNOWS we hates dwarves. Nasssty dwarves hits precious with axe in RivenDELL. We knows. We was watching while pretending to be a lawn ornament. Sneak? Us? Noooooo. Granny, we thinks that you doesn't know anything about orcses. It only takes them 2 weeks to be born. How else does you think Saruman could build an army so fast? So you won't have time to visit before it is born. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Except we made that up so you wouldn't come.) NO WE DIDN"T! Yes we did. NO WE DIDN'T!

-"Sméagol"

xxx

Dear Granny Daughter of Great-Granny,

How is you doing? We is doing good. Baby was born, so "Shirley" made us leave cradle today. Unfortunately, "Shirley" took us to fortress of Barad-Dur because we wouldn't tell her what we wanted to call baby. We was thinking somewhere along the lines of "Big ugly monster that looks nothing like us except for the ears," but we don't think "Shirley" would appreciate that very much. "Shirley" has forced us to watch Flipper 300 times. Will remain strong because we thinks "Shirley" might make us watch re-runs of The Faculty if we tell her that we think baby looks like hideous monster (except for ears, of course).

Will write more later,

Sméagol

P.S. Does you want to know how much taller "Shirley" is than us when we is standing up straight or squatting in darkness?

xxx

Dear Sméagol,

We is just writing to let you know that we has a boyfriend now. Is named "Osama" and seems very nice. Lives in nice cave, too. Have moved in with him, even though have only known him a few days. Met him in anger management class. We went because we figures we needs to work out the aggression that is causing our multiple personalities. Osama was there because of something called "terrorism" which made him blow up some Barad-Dur-like buildings. We thinks maybe "terrorism" is another form of multiple personalities.

NO! After moving into cave with Osama, have discovered that he already has 16 wives. We thinks it would be better to leave him before our pent-up aggression caused us to poke some wives eyes out with our spectacles. Met another nice guy in anger management as well. His name is Saddam. Perhaps will give him a call…

Love,

Granny

P.S. Am now living with Saddam. Also lives in cave, much nicer than Osama's. And has no wives that we have seen so far. Enjoys playing poker, especially of the strip variety. However, is always mumbling about death to world leaders and something about a bush, so we doesn't know if this relationship will work out.

xxx

Dear Granny,

#$$ evil methods of torture refined over the millennia. "Shirley" has switched to Faculty re-runs. Cannot cope, but still doesn't want to insult baby. In fact, we wants to eat the baby, but that's another story. Anyway, we shouted out a random name so that we wouldn't have to watch stupid reruns. The good news is "Shirley" stopped torturing us. Bad news is we now has a son named Shirebaggins. We isn't sure we likes having a son. So far has resisted our attempts to eat him, and enjoys jumping on us (we now has several cracked ribs) and yelling at us to give it horsy rides while kicking us, further injuring our hurt ribs.

Say hello to Deagol for us.

Love, (aka Hate,)

Sméagol

P.S. To restrict my access to Shirebaggins, and thus lessen the possibility of me eating him, "Shirley" has decided to send Shirebaggins to the Little Urak-Hai Daycare Center, located in the old fortress of Barad-Dur. Even though it collapsed in the spiffy shock wave thing at the end of the third movie. Sniff, sniff. Can't believe "Shirley" trusts big ugly things with white hand prints on their faces with our son more than its own father. Well, we supposes like appeals to like. Gasp! Does that mean "Shirley" doesn't find us attractive? Must go ponder this while squatting in darkness stroking the precious.

xxx

Dear Granny,

Here is our own special grandsonship test, to find out how much you REALLY knows about us:

1) Which of these does we love best?

a. Granny

b. Master

c. Fish

d. PRECIOUS!

2) Fill in the blank. "My ! BLAAAAAHHHHHHH!

a. Granny

b. Master

c. Fish

d. PRECIOUS!

3) Which of these does Barney Bombadil look through?

a. Granny

b. Master

c. Fish

d. PRECIOUS!

4) Who does Sméagol fall into Mt. Doom holding?

a. Granny

b. Master

c. Fish

d. PRECIOUS!

5) Which of these did Sméagol have a 500-year affair with until Baggins stole it?

a. Granny

b. Master

c. Fish

d. PRECIOUS!

The answer to every question (except for #1, of course) is d. If you did not get all of these right, we doesn't think you knows us very well AND WE WILL COME TO RIVERFOLKTON OR IRAQ OR RIVENDELL OR WHEREVER YOU IS NOW AND give you a hug because we loves you except not as much as fish.

Love (but not in a fishy way),

SMEAGOL

xxx

Dear Sméagol,

Granny told us where to find you so we is headed to Mount Doom right now. Just for a friendly visit, of course. NO, WE MUST KILL SMEAGOL; HE STRANGLED US FOR THE PRECIOUS. No, we loves good Sméagol. HE STOLE THE PRECIOUS FROM YOU! Anyway, we would appreciate it if you would have some fish fresh from the fish tank ready for us when we gets there. Have realized that there is no way to get this letter to you, as Rivendell is the only mail service that goes to Mount Doom and this letter is written on purple paper. Oh well. We will simply make it into a spy journal as practice for when we becomes spiffy master spy.

Have arrived in Mordor. While hiding behind large rock humming "Mission Impossible" tune to self, we has discovered a strange thing. Many small ugly monster type things with white stuff on their faces are playing with rubble while bigger monster things look on. Curious. If our decaying body had chin hair, we would be stroking it. Ooh, have spotted sign on rock. Reads "Little Urak-Hai Daycare Center". Gah, no! We has been spotted by mini scary monster thing! Has tackled us and is yelling in strange language. Sounds something like "Horsy! Horsy!" Cannot cope. Nobody but strange small Urak-Hai hitting on me.

Oh wait, we spoke too soon. Very pretty Urak-Hai thing has come out of rubble and is peeling small Urak-Hai off of us! Is brunette. We has always been partial to brunettes. As far as we can make out from the noises issuing from her mouth, her name is "Shirley" and small thing is her son "Shirebaggins". Strange names these creations of Sauron come up with, eh? Oooh, "Shirley" being very seductive. Says she wants to elope with us. May have to work our charm that has been turned off since we was drowned and decaying in bottom of river for the past 500 years.

Writing in spy journal very difficult while engaged in violent (and we does mean violent in its most literal sense) make out session with orc. Will write more later.

Love/HATE,

Deagol

xxx

Dear Granny,

NO! Nassssssssty Deagol has stolen "Shirley", our one true love, away from us. Caught them making out by Little Urak-Hai Daycare Center when we went to pick up (aka EAT) Shirebaggins yesterday. All the Little Urak-Hais were very impressed. At first thought "Shirley" was only making out with a rotting corpse, but then realized that rotting corpse was actually Deagol! Now they has eloped and left poor Sméagol all alone. On the bright side, they took Shirebaggins with them. Although now we cannot eat him, we is glad, as giving endless horsy rides to thing 5 times bigger than us is very tiring.

Love your lonely grandson who is all alone,

Sméagol

xxx

Dear Deagol,

We is banishing your decomposing body from the "Riverfolk clan" forever. You stole my grandson's wife, "Shirley" and his only child, "Shirebaggins". We doesn't want to see you ever again. WE HATES YOU!

When this stupid "War in Iraq" is over, we will leave Saddam and go home. All your stuff better be gone by then or I will ask my personal friend Saddam to track you down and torture you. And don't think we wouldn't do it; Saddam has been a bad influence on us.

By the way, if you find our lime green loincloth, you better FedEx it to us here:

911 Saddam Lane

Caveville, Iraq, 911

Thank you for your help.

Oh no, they seem to have stumbled upon Saddam Lane.

Boom, boom, haboom, boom, boom.

"Must run, faster now, come on, Saddam. No, forget the cards and poker chips. We can always get more later. We can't ever get another Saddam."

Well, we have arrived at our new hideout. Our new address is:

911 Hell Drive

Caveland, Iraq, 911

Send us our lime green loincloth if you find it. Thank you for your cooperation. Wait, this isn't a business letter. Not thank you. If you find it, GIVE it to us, or we will have Saddam send Osama to kill you. Wait, we might do that anyway. That way "Shirley" and "Shirebaggins" will go back to my beloved Sméagol/Gollum. BUT WE HATES SMEAGOL/GOLLUM!

Love (not like that),

Granny

xxx

Dear Sméagol,

We is just writing to let you know that we is sending odd-looking Urak-Hai to you, as playing "horsy" is making us decompose faster, plus "Shirley" says you would be very sad without your "little baby". We has only one thing to say to this: We hopes he bes the horsy sometimes. We didn't want to write to you. We thinks you might hold some small grudge toward us, because we ran away with your wife. We could hook you up with this very nice dead orc we met in the Dead Marshes. Is a little quiet, but very pretty, if you like pale, decomposing faces that have an invisible wall around them so you can't eat-I mean, uh, kiss them.

"Shirley" wants us to tell you where we are on our "honeymoon", so you can come for a "nice, family visit", but we thinks this might be a bad idea as you might try to kill us (again). Of course, that didn't stop us from stealing your wife right from under your nose, so we doesn't see how killing us again would solve anything.

"Shirley" has given us a new loincloth. It is bright green and has a spare fax machine in the back pocket. She says you found it floating in a river. We is glad for the extra fax machine, as ours is decomposed as a result of spending 500+ years in a river.

"Shirley" is pestering us to quit writing to you so we can play poker. Have told her we doesn't know how, but she says she will show us. Doesn't she mean teach us? Must go. Will write more later.

Well. Now understand what some guy named Gandalf meant when he said there were scarier things than orcs. "Shirley" decided to demonstrate how to play poker with a dead fish. Cannot understand how, sometime during the process, "Shirley's" loincloth "got lost". We thinks you isn't the only cheater around here. However, have decided to forgive her, as do not want her to run back to you and her "little baby boy" who is four feet taller than us even when he is squatting in darkness and we is standing up.

Must go "practice playing poker" with "Shirley" now. She is teaching us exactly how loincloth gets lost during the process of playing. Have fun faxing DEAD fish.

"Love",

Deagol

xxx

NOT dear Granny,

We is hurt, we is. You has absolutely no reason to throw us out. We didn't kill anybody like Sméagol did, but you still likes him. WE HATES YOU! And we isn't speaking to you ever again. We will be by to pick up our old fish bones, etc. whenever WE WANTS! WE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU SAYS! And if you throw out our stuff before we get there we will have to FLY TO IRAQ IN OUR NEW AIRPLANE AND POKE YOUR LITTLE EYESES OUT!

And guess what? You would be mean to "poor" Shirebaggins too if you had to play "horsy" and "run around with Mommy's Urak-Hai sword" and "pretend to eat Uncle Deagol twice removed except forget that we is pretending" all the "live-long" day.

Stupid, stupid Granny isn't sympathetic to our problems. SNIFF, SNIFF. WHAT DO YOU SMELL? MANFLESH! Ahh, no, "Shirley"! This is no time to be invading our thoughts and minds. Did we tell you? "Shirley" left us. She decided to go back to Sméagol and her "darling" Shirebaggins. Nassty Sméagol, steals his wife back. Can we sue him? Do rotting corpses have rightses?

Stupid "Shirley", stupid "Sméagol", stupid "Granny" and her stupid "bean dip with raw fish". MUST KILL! I SMELL BLOOD! Wow, we just went Harry Potter there. Anyway, am on flight to Iraq to poke you and Saddam's eyeses out! We believes it will make us feel better. Although our therapist says we should try to keep our "bloodlust" down.

NOT love,

Deagol

xxx

Dear Deagol,

We is sad to hear that "Shirley" left you. NO, WE ISN'T! Nassty, bad, ugly Sméagol. We hates Sméagol. NO, WE LOVES SMEAGOL! Rotting corpses have no rightses, but Saddam says that he will represent you in "court" anyway, but only if you fax him 259 raw and wrrriggling fish to make up for threatening to poke out his eyeses.

Love/hate,

Granny

xxx

Dear "Shirley",

First, we wants you to get it clear in your head that just because we is writing to you doesn't mean that we like you. In fact, we hates you. You has been playing with our dear little grandson who has six teeth's heart by running off with a rotting corpse, then cheating on him by faxing fish, then going back to him. We is just writing to thank you for the red and green striped loincloth you sent us for Hanukah. BUT NOT REALLY. WE ISN'T EVEN JEWISH AND WE HAS NO GREEN AND RED SHOE AND PURSE COMBOS! WHERE IS OUR RECIET?

Also, we is writing to get some advice. The NASSTY, EVIL U.S. forces have found Hell Drive, as you should well know if you reads the Daily Riverfolk. (Oh, wait, you is a female /male /it type orc goblin thing; you wouldn't get that.) So my PRECIOUS Saddam has been captured and forced to watch Flipper and The Faculty until he talks. (Evil forms of torture refined over millennia.) Last we heard, he said something about "Shirebaggins". We would hate to think that our darling great-grandson, NAMELY YOUR SON, had anything to do with my only love being taken away. But…am back living with Osama and giving it another try. At our request, Osama has installed several comfortable couches and given us a whole closet all to ourself to store our loincloths in. They doesn't all fit, so we hopes Osama is as good at poker as Saddam was, so some of them can get mysteriously lost. And have discovered way to deal with excess wives. We just pokes their eyeses our, then pokes them until they starts getting gushy, then throw them out of the cave. We would eat them, but they doesn't taste very good. Anyway, write back to us at:

112 Osama Circle

Some Random Desert, Afghanistan

NO! DON'T WRITE BACK! WE HATES YOU!

Love/hate,

Granny, Daughter of Great-Granny

xxx

Dear Glorfindel,

Today was an exiting day! Arwen sent word that she and Aragorn are going to visit Rivendell, and they are bringing the Heir of Gondor with them. This is good news, as am running low on supply of purple dresses, and she always brings some along. Perhaps I can manage to take one of her tiaras too. Oh, they've arrived. Will write more later.

Arwen's visit not as fun as I thought. She has hidden all of her clothes somewhere, and I can't find them. She has also asked me to baby-sit the Heir of Gondor while she and Aragorn are doing useless stuff like helping rebuild Middle Earth or something. Heir of Gondor not much fun. All he does is lay in his cradle staring at the ceiling and blowing bubbles and gurgling. And he's still cuter than me! Makes me want to kill him, he is so sweet and innocent. So yesterday, while Arwen and Aragorn were at a meeting, I might have accidentally poked him with my sword…a few dozen times. Then bitten off his arm. Aw, crap, now I have to find a replacement Heir of Gondor.

Love,

Elrond

xxx

Dear Daddy,

We is feeling very lost and alone. Mommy said that we was going to go to Mt. Doom to be with Daddy, but right now we is stuck in some post office with "Postage Due" stamped on our forehead. WE DOESN'T WANTS TO BE IN RIVENDELL; WE WANTS TO BE IN MT. DOOM WITH DADDY. WAA! WE WANTS TO PLAY HORSEY! WE WANTS TO PLAY "CHASE DADDY AROUND WITH MOMMY'S URAK-HAI SWORD!" WE WANTS TO PLAY "HIT DADDY ON ROCK LIKE FISH!" WE WANTS TO PLAY "PRETEND TO EAT DADDY EXCEPT FORGET WE'RE PRETENDING!" WE DOESN'T WANT STUPID POINTY-EARED, ONE-EYEBROWED FREAK IN PURPLE DRESS BRIBING US TO PRETEND WE'S HEIR OF GONDOR! WE WANTS TO GO HOME!

The weather here is very bad. It's been sunny every day here. Yurk. We wants it to always be dark like in MT. DOOM!

GOOD NEW IS WE MET SUPER-PERKY URAK-HAI IN PINK UNIFORM YESTERDAY. AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE US PUT QUOTATION MARKS AROUND HER NAME! WE STILL WANTS TO GO HOME!

Love (and you knows we doesn't mean it THAT way),

SHIREBAGGINS

xxx

Dear our little Shirebagginsies,

YOU IS WAY TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! BESIDES, IT'S EXTREMELY DISGUSTING TO FREEDOM KISS AN ORC! Please don't be scared, Shirebaggins; Daddy will come save you from the NASSTY ELVSES! We is sending you a Black Speech translation of Lord of the Rings for you to read while we is on our journey to Rivendell. Don't worry, we has edited out the violence so it won't scare you. By the way, we is starting to have second thoughts about letting you back into our house BECAUSE WE HATES YOU! No, we doesn't hates you. Shirebaggins is my friend. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS; NOBODY LIKES YOU! Not listening. SHIREBAGGINS IS WICKED, TRICKSY, FALSE! WE PUTS UP 20 FOOT WALL AROUND OUR HOUSE TO KEEP SHIREBAGGINS OUT! That's not really necessary, as long as we slightly modify the rules to "Chase Daddy around the house with Mommy's Urak-Hai sword." We loves you, Shirebaggins (NOT like that!) and we is coming for you!

-Sméagol/GOLLUM

xxx

LOTR, edited by Sméagol GOLLUM Sméagol

Sméagol said "Give us that, Deagol my love." But evil, stupid, nassty Deagol

Translation: Arz grishnakh "Shnerkz kzkh barad-dur." Narz grish zarg shnack Deagol

refused, leaving poor Sméagol with no choice but to STRANGLE HIM!

Translation: ag, rensh zurg kraznikz zronsk no khrinkh RIZ GRANSH!

Then a bunch of stuff happened to stupid hobbitses and elvses that nobody

Translation: Shnark gil rekh shik zut shunk krat zirg girk khris runkh

cares about, and then Sméagol was in the Forbidden Pool. He caught a raw

Translation: cirith ungul shnuk gruk grakh shrunk kignt drak. Shna kakh khra

and wriggling fish AND HIT IT ON A ROCK UNTIL IT'S BLOOD AND

Translation: aznarbutz kronb TRIKH RUNK AZER BAKH NURZ GRIHKT FRUHZ

GUTSES FLIES OUT! Then a bunch of wars and stupid other stuff

Translation: HUGT UZTKH! Zirnk chrishk kran trankc rakh zkrakh zrik

happened and then Sméagol bit off Frodo's finger and danced around and

Translation: kurkh zrak Sméagol kra arz Frodo zenig kegkakh grishka shrink gratkh

then fell into Mt. Doom and started a Bed & Breakfast.

Translation: eth drog klit zark grazt urg sha Bed & Breakfast.

We hopes you likeses the story, Shirebaggins. It's much less boring now. It's also less violent because we knows how much that scareses you. We has bought a book called "Your Child and Violent Play" to see how we should alter rules to "Chase Daddy Around with Mommy's Urak-Hai Sword." We has to go rescue you now, bye!

Your daddy,

Daddy


	3. The End of All Things

Dear Granny,

GAH! NO! SHIREBAGGINS IS LOST! NOOOO!

We was so close to getting him back from the nasssty elvses! Now they is trying to make him king of stupid Gondor! Aaargh! Shirebagginsies doesn't want to be king; he wants to come have a happy life in the fiery chasm of Mt. Doom. Then he can be the master! Eats fresh fish from the fish tank. We would even let him look at precious THREE TIMES A YEAR! Oh well. We doesn't like Shirebaggins anyway. We will get revenge on Gondor by faxing them fish every day. HAAHAHHAHA!

-SMEAGOL/GOLLUM

xxx

Dear Daddy,

Aragorn and I left in the middle of the night to go back to Gondor because we can't stand looking at you with one eyebrow anymore. And yes, I took ALL my dresses with me. We took the Heir of Gondor with us too, although we're not entirely sure what you did to him while you were eating playing with him. What is that disgusting hand thing on his face? Were you guys eating playing with the chalk again or have you recently become followers of Saruman? And HOW did you get him to grow so fast?

Our journey back to the castle was very fun. It was very short too, because the Heir of Gondor chased Aragorn all the way back. It was quite amusing to watch him chase his father past the nonexistent Gap of Rohan, waving a strange piece of metal shouting "MANFLESH! WE SMELLS MANFLESH!"

There has been some strange creature following us who enjoys jewelry fondling, squatting in darkness, and referring to self in third person/first person plural. He also doesn't like smokers. Anyway, he snuck up behind us and attacked us in the middle of the night. He was strangling Aragorn and saying "GIVE US SHIREBAGGINS OR WE'LL POKE YOUR LITTLE EYESES OUT!" when the Heir of Gondor valiantly saved the day. He sat on the creature and say "HORSY DADDY, HORSY!" This immobilized it long enough for us to run back to Gondor. We were going to knight him when we got back, but he insisted that we use some piece of metal he called "Mommy's Urak-Hai sword." Nobody wanted to touch it, so we gave him one of those fish that keeps getting faxed to us instead.

I'll come back to Rivendell when you shave off your other eyebrow. Oh, and if you see Legolas, tell him he can still be the prettiest if he wears a corset.

Love,

ARWEN

P.S. Do you like my new signature? The Heir of Gondor taught it to me.

xxx

Arwen-

Legolas wants to borrow your shoes and your green purse. He says he needs them for manly things that do not involve prancing around in a skirt calling himself "Legolina."

-Daddy

xxx

Poem by Shirebaggins, by Shirebaggins

I like manflesh.

I like womanflesh.

I don't like tofuflesh.

I don't like carrotflesh.

I just learned how to use another pronoun besides "we".

THE END

Dear Daddy,

We writesed you a poem. Does you like it? It taked us a really long time to make the words rhyme. We is back in Rivendell right now and the NASSSTY ELVSES gotsded us interested in poetry. BLAAAH! We was coming here to find mapses of Rohan, so we could find Eowyn and get some womanflesh, and some elf maiden came up to us and asked us if we knew what a haiku was. We told it that a haiku was the opposite of a lowku and to go away before we bitesed its earses off. Then we realized that it was WOMANFLESH! Then, just as we was about to devour it, it said "Don't eat me! I'm your friend Legolas!" We had to spit it out because we hates itflesh, especially without ketchup. Stupid Legolina told us that we needed to learn better grammar, so he locked us in the dungeons of Rivendell (aka English classes). We writed the poem for the nassssty poetry unit, and the teacher drew a big, pretty, red D on it, which we are pretty sure stands for the Black Speech word for MANFLESH.

-SHIREBAGGINS

P.S. We is learning better handwriting too. Can you tell?

xxx

Dear Arwen,

I think there is something very wrong with Legolas. He keeps shouting things like "You go, girl!" and "What's up, girlfriend?" I think he may be a bit confused; he seems to have mistaken your frilly pink thong for his underwear. But I must say, he looks quite becoming in it.

-Daddy

xxx

Dear Daddy,

"Legolina" and I are getting married in Lorien tomorrow. We WERE going to have the wedding in Rivendell, but you still haven't shaved off your other eyebrow. How do you know he was wearing your my thong anyway? I don't know much about half-elf culture, but for us whole elves and ¾ elves, it's not proper to watch your daughter's groom getting dressed.

-ARWEN

P.S. Have you seen the Heir of Gondor? We seem to have misplaced him again.

xxx

Arwen-

As postmaster of Rivendell Express, I am entitled to certain privileges (aka watching Legolina dress). If I were you, I would try to make 100 sure that he was male before marrying him.

-Daddy

P.S. Legolas wants to wear your mother's wedding dress for "manly purposes" that I wouldn't understand.

xxx

Daddy-

What's that supposed to mean? YOU would make sure he was male before YOU married him?

-Arwen

xxx

Arwen-

If I were you I would.

-Daddy

xxx

"Daddy":

Yeah right! I cannot believe you would watch my fiancé dress! You're not supposed to be gaping at my underwear!

-"Arwen"

P.S. I am getting a whole lot of things coming through the fax machine. What's this about?

xxx

Dear Daddy,

WE FOUND OUT WHERE EOWYN IS! Some strange person who calls himself "Grima Wormtongue" and looks like Snape wearing blue contacts has informed us that "they make for the fortress of Helm's Deep." Yay! We heard that Saruman was assembling an army to attack there next Monday. That will be very convenient, because we needs to get our white hand reapplied anyway. Nassty elvses forced us into bubble bath and hand came off (and was that Aragorn we saw under the bubbles?) We needs money for a bus ticket to Isengard or for us to ship ourselves there in a box. We would prefer a bus ticket, as Rivendell shipping is somewhat unreliable.

Loves you (aka we needs money),

-Shirebaggins

xxx

Dear Shirebaggins,

Due to mailing difficulties, I was unable to mail your last letter to your father. I was, however, able to read it and take offense at being called "nassty." You should learn to spell before you insult people. In the gift package accompanying this letter is a bottle of ketchup. I strongly urge you to acquire a taste for itflesh (aka EAT LEGOLINA!) Or maybe you shouldn't, because then who can I spy on while they dress?

Love,

Elrond

xxx

DEAR ELROND,

CHANGE YOUR ARZNOGING SHIPPING POLICIES!

-SHIREBAGGINS

xxx

Dear Daddy (the real one),

TEE HEE HEE! We has been having lots of fun since we left Gondor. We decided that we didn't want to go to Helm's Deep, because the battle of Helm's Deep happened in The Two Towers. Stupid "Grima Wormtongue." Now we has a new plan to get womanflesh. We's been writing fake letters to our new "Mommy" and pretending they's from "Legolina." We's convinced her to leave stupid Gondor to come "marry us". Hee hee. "Daddy" will be very surprised when he finds out that "Mommy" married a three-year-old, eight-foot Urak-Hai (by "Shire reckoning). We is going to dress up as Legolina for the "wedding" and when the NASTY NOSY PRIEST says we may kiss the bride, WE EATS HER! WE LOVES WOMANFLESH! Too bad womanflesh is so hard to find because stupid chauvinistic Tolkien only has about three female characters. It's his fault we has to wear a pink thong. STUPID TOLKIEN!

NOT LOVE,

SHIREBAGGINS

P.S. You can come to the "wedding" if you wants and we will share some womanflesh with you! YUM!

xxx

Dear Galadriel,

Sorry if I spelled your name wrong. Your parents should have picked an easier-to-spell name. On the other hand, it is very memoryable (aka easy to remember) (aka I'm not as wise, not to mention as smart, as Legolas, and that's saying something.) Moving on…

I have heard a very disturbing rumor and would like confirmation. My wife, Arwen, namely your granddaughter, is apparently being married to "Legolas" aka "Legolina" in Lorien tomorrow. Is this true? If not, do you know where Arwen is? If so, are you interested in a relationship?

Yes, I know you are my grandmother-in-law as well as my great aunt 100 times removed or something, but hey, Arwen and I are distant cousins.

One thing I am extremely interested in knowing about you before beginning a relationship is: do you find manly stubble attractive? If you don't, it's quite fine by me if you diminish into the West or whatever. If you do, however, you might consider a name change. Do you like the sound of the name "Polly"?

If you are indeed not interested in a relationship with me (a remote possibility, I'm sure), could you do me a favor and please forward this letter to Celeborn, making all necessary changes ("Galadriel" to "Celeborn", "grandmother" to "grandfather", "aunt" to "uncle", etc.)? Thank you!

Love,

Aragorn, son of Arathorn

P.S. The Heir of Gondor is missing again. Do you have any random children running around that no one will miss?

P.P.S. If so, will you please fax one to me?

P.P.P.S. Either gender is fine.

xxx

Dear Celeborn,

I cannot believe you thought yesterday would be a good time for your "manly bonding session" with Gimli. YOU LEFT ME TO SUPERVISE ARWEN AND LEGOLINA'S WEDDING ALL BY MYSELF! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH? DO YOU? DO YOU?

Well, I'll tell you what happened, since, because you are a wood-elf and not a high-elf, you are not all knowing.

Everything went perfectly at first. "Legolina" looked taller than I remembered, and he had been playing in the chalk. He was also wearing Arwen's pink thong, because he claimed he couldn't find his purple loincloth. We could all tell he was wearing Arwen's pink thong because he wasn't wearing anything else. Our granddaughter looked lovely. So everything was going according to plan, except that we had no flower girl and no best man BECAUSE THEY WERE OFF ON A "MANLY BONDING EXPERIENCE!" Elrond had to step in and be the best man in your place, instead of being a bridesmaid, something he was very unhappy about, because he didn't get to wear a purple dress. He was already mad because Arwen hid all of her tiaras from him. Also, I was very worried that we wouldn't have a flower girl at all, but thankfully a strange, green, slimy creature showed up just in time and offered to stand in. Actually, what it said was "The yellow face hurts our eyeses, but we wants womanflesh, precious!"

But other than those MINOR DETAILS, everything went well until "Legolina" got up to the altar. The priest was just on "Do you take this woman…" when both the groom and the flower girl jumped toward him, screaming "Nassty, nosy priest! We pokes it's little eyeses out!" Fortunately, the priest leaped to the side, so they landed in the cake, which was carrot cake. The "groom" spit it out, yelling "We HATES carrotflesh!" Meanwhile, Arwen was shouting "Heir of Gondor, what on earth are you doing here?" I suppose we should have known it wasn't really Legolina. Last night he was chasing people around, yelling "MANFLESH!" and claiming that he was no longer a vegetarian because "tofuflesh" sounded stupid. So, if you see "Legolina" again, will you tell me or Arwen? As he was leaving, I thought I heard him say something about how womanflesh was too much trouble and trying to eat the other female character, whatever that means.

So, it's been a horrible day, and I just found Elrond bathing in my pool. He seems to have picked up some bad habits from Legolina. And now there is hair in my drain. I must go now. Come home soon.

Love,

Galadriel

xxx

Dear Granny,

We is starting to get a bit worried about Shirebaggins. He has come back to Mt. Doom, but he's taken to locking himself in his study and poring over old maps when he thinks I'm not looking, only we thinks that's in the extended DVD. He also keeps asking us strange things, like how to say "tofuflesh" in Black Speech and what gender Legolas is considered. Does you know any good psychiatrists besides that Van Gogh quack who tried to cut our earses off?

Your cute little grandson who has six teeth,

Sméagol/GOLLUM

xxx

Dear Daddy,

I talked to the real Legolas today. What's wrong with his arms? He says he didn't want to marry me. He says he never wanted to marry me because then we'd have to move to Vermont and that would be way too far away from the Carivvean. We were wondering if homosexual marriage was legal in Hawaii. We could get married there, Legolas could get a grass skirt and coconut bra, and then we could move to Aruba. Please send us some advice.

-ARWEN

P.S. Legolas assures me he's still a vegetarian and he's never heard the word "tofuflesh" before.

xxx

Arwen-

Have you considered just marrying Aragorn and using Legolas for shopping advice? That way everyone's happy and everybody gets to wear a bra without going to Vermont. Speaking of which, I could use the support and enhancement, so could you send me a bra too?

-Daddy

xxx

Dear "Shirebaggins",

I have never quite understood why Sméagol named you "Shirebaggins."

However, I have several very important questions for you regarding "violent play."

1) When playing violently, is it more useful to use Mommy's Urak-Hai sword or an orc scimitar?

2) What is the maximum/minimum damage one can inflict on a dead fish?

3) A live fish?

4) Is "Pretend to eat Daddy except forget that we is pretending" considered a violent game?

5) What about horsy?

6) Is violent play beneficial for the health?

7) Describe the situation in which your father named you "Shirebaggins."

8) How do you feel evil forms of torture evolved in the last millennium?

9) Is a childhood of violent play necessary in order to become a good Urak-Hai warrior?

10) Are you a good Urak-Hai warrior, Shirebaggins? More importantly, Shirebaggins: are you a good son?

I see in my file that you have been "misplaced" approximately ten times (give or take a few) and have run away twice. You have so far managed to work yourself through two and a half sets of parents, leaving a trail of death and destruction (not to mention confusion) in your path.

Perhaps it's time for a career change? There are many career opportunities in Right Earth. I strongly suggest you move there.

Yours most sincerely,

Some nameless social worker/psychiatrist

xxx

Dear Arwen,

I received a very disturbing letter yesterday addressed to someone named "Shirebaggins", whom the addresser claimed was in my care. Is this what you have named the Heir of Gondor?

I'm sorry your wedding turned out to be such a let-down. I strongly suggest that you take-was it Elrond's?-advice and take the real Legolina back to Gondor with you to be your fashion consultant. Perhaps you could also lend "him" to me a few times a year. "He" is so amusing. I particularly enjoy "his" rendition of "Silmarillion: the Musical."

Going back to the curious letter I received, I am sincerely worried about the addresser's sanity. Has the Heir of Gondor been engaged in violent play lately?

Speaking of sanity, or lack thereof, I'm also worried about Aragorn's. Perhaps you should get him in to see a therapist? I can suggest a very "professional" one, if you want someone who has experienced all of your problems firsthand.

Well, I must go diminish into the West now.

I remain,

Galadriel

P.S. I don't care what Legolina says; your green purse matches my complexion, NOT "his."

xxx

**A/N:** So that's all there is; there isn't any more. I suppose Arwen and Aragorn got remarried and Legolas became chief fashion consultant of Middle Earth; Granny is still happily living with Osama in the Afghani desert, having long since killed off his other wives; "Shirley" eventually found her way back to Sméagol and Shirebaggins, and they live happily in Mt. Doom running the B&B. Shirebaggins gave up his quest for womanflesh and was content with the fish that kept getting faxed to them and Deagol found himself a super-perky Urak-Hai in a pink uniform who doesn't mind water and they live happily in the Gladden Fields beside the Great River to this very day. Galadriel diminished into the West when Celeborn and Gimli failed ever to return from their "manly bonding session" (although it's widely believed that they still live happily somewhere in Lothlorien, enjoying being "manly" and eating berries and such), Elrond became a recluse, staying in his rooms in Rivendell, although whenever someone managed to spot him, he was wearing a purple dress. That takes care of everybody, right? So they all lived happily ever after.

Or you could choose to believe that Shirebaggins, tiring of the incessant bottles of ketchup coming through the fax machine, gave in to pressure and ate Legolina, then proceeded to devour Elrond for bothering him, then just thought "What the heck?" and ate everyone else in Middle Earth as well, becoming fat and bloated like Shelob and living happily in Mt. Doom for the rest of his days. That's what I prefer to believe.


End file.
